Going bald :?

Today was the d-day scheduled for Chhavi's hair removal - basically making her bald.

In the morning I preserved a couple of locks of her hair in a zip lock bag. We were supposed to travel to DH's village - a 2.5 hr drive. We got ready and took off to the temple where the ceremony was going to happen. Chhavi slept most of the way and I decided that she would cause no trouble during the hair removal - since she was full and had completed her sleep.

The minute she was touched by the guy removing the hair - she started screaming like crazy and did not stop until the whole thing was done. The second minute after he stopped - her crying died down abruptly. Finally she got tired - ate a banana and slept for a while after that and everything was fine. She had a bit of food - which she was cranky about. I kind of hit her when I lost my temper. She seemed fine after that, until we started on the return journey. Chhavi started getting super cranky and I just lost my temper. I hit her again.

The thing is that Chhavi becomes super restless and cranky when she's sleepy, but she fights the drowsiness. She hates it when I try to put her to bed. She gets more n more cranky and at that point of time, she refuses anything - food, petting, anything. If we try to even touch her, she wildly flails her arms and hits anything n everything in the radius. Thats what happened when I was trying to feed her in the afternoon and the same thing happened when I tried to feed her on the return journey.

The reason I generally avoid feeding her when she's sleepy is because I tend to lose my temper with her. Today was the worse. I tried everything possible to calm her down, but she wasn't ready to take it. She had already poked both my eyes, pulled my ear and slapped me thrice. I was also having a bad migraine. Finally I just lost it all and hit her hard on her hand. She screamed for a long time and then stopped crying and just went to sleep. I felt so bad afterwards that I cried. Even now, I cannot stop the tears when I think about it. 

I wish she had just gone to sleep when she was sleepy and not behaved this bad. I wish I could have just waited a few more minutes and maybe she would have slept of on her own. I just cannot imagine, how tired she must  have been and in what state of mind and body she was :( I feel so bad that I took out my frustration and tiredness on her when I cannot fathom that she might have also been in the same state !!

Sorry baby - sorry for all the frustrations and lost tempers and beatings that you received and will receive from me. I know myself and hence I am saying this now. I cannot promise you that I will never hit you, I know I will - many times in fact. But please believe me that I will do it out of complete frustration, which would be caused when I would not be able to make it work any other way. I will try my best each time to not lose my temper, not to get angry and the beatings will come only when its absolutely out of my hands. Sorry again. Please forgive me.

- So